Grief, Loss, Addiction and Siblings

Stewart changed our family. I got a sister, a brother, and Fletcher, the best nephew I could have ever asked for.

My brother-in-law died… Well, ex-brother-in-law...

Growing up my sister and I stopped sharing a room at a very early age. Mostly because we just couldn’t get along. I have two memories of my sister being kind to me as a child, one where she threatened a girl who was bullying me in the third grade and one where she saw a bug in her room and asked to sleep in my bed for the night. The strife between us was very real and it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that we began to reconcile. That reconciliation began because of Stewart.

My grandfather had died and we were all heading to Denver for the funeral. My father called to say Norine would be picking me and my boys up at the airport with her boyfriend, Stewart. My sister didn’t speak. We hadn’t said more than “hello” to each other in years and we certainly hadn’t had any sort of meaningful conversation. Plus, I had no idea who this Stewart guy was.

My kids were about 4 and 1 at the time and didn’t even know they had an aunt, or that their mom had a sister. And now we were going to be stuck in a car with them for over an hour, alone… Anyone who’s ever flown into the Denver Airport knows it’s miles away from anything. My sister didn’t have kids, didn’t want kids and certainly didn’t like kids and here I was with two toddlers fully equipped with car seats, strollers, diapers, wipes and sticky fingers…. It sounded great.

When we arrived, she was friendly and kind. He helped with luggage as I got the cars seats fastened into the SUV they had rented. She was chatty and seemed excited to meet the boys. I looked at this guy and wondered what sort of magical voodoo he had used on my sister. It was weird!

My sister and I are the oldest of the grandkids, and at that time in our family, Rob and I were the only ones married or with kids. This meant the boys got lots of attention but you could have picked my jaw up off the floor when I saw my sister carrying my younger son Dylan and even wiping his runny nose. At one point, I even pulled Stewart aside to ask if she was dying and didn’t want to tell the family yet. He just laughed.

He was an only child and understood the importance of family. He changed my sister when he came into her life and not long after that weekend she called to ask if we could meet the next time I was in Vegas for work. After 9/11 she had left NYC and was living there with Stewart. We were living in LA and my husband and I both had work that brought us that way a few times a year so I agreed.

It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t quick. She had been flat out shit to me for decades and I wasn’t sure I could trust whatever spell Stewart had put on her to last. But it did. The kids liked him and, even though he was a marine biologist living in a solar powered, off the grid house in the desert, I liked him too.

Seriously, you needed an SUV to get there because there wasn’t a road, and you had to call when you got close so they could flip the lights on and off so you could find the house. It was bizarre but she had made it warm and cozy inside and they seemed happy.

When announced they were getting married, the kids were delighted to have a new uncle. We explained he wouldn’t officially be their uncle until the wedding so naturally they started calling him Almost Uncle Stewart. As in, “Almost Uncle Stewart, can we have more ice cream?” Of course he always said yes.

The boys were ring bearers at their wedding and while they liked the tuxedos and sunglasses, what they were really excited about what presenting Stewart his Certificate of Official Uncle-ticity (their words, not mine) and giving their toast.

Stewart changed our family. I got a sister, a brother, and Fletcher, the best nephew I could have ever asked for. I always wanted a relationship with my sister and today she’s one of my best friends. That changed because of Stewart and, while it wasn’t all good in recent years, for the time that it lasted, I really loved having a brother as well.

He was fun and silly, he helped where he could, he cooked weird things and took awhile to understand that making hotdogs for six people for dinner meant cooking more than six hotdogs. Eventually he figured it out and Christmas dinner at their home became a feast that could have fed the neighborhood.

His struggles with addiction clouded the later years and when the marriage ended it was hard to remember the good days. In recent years it seemed like the only conversation was, “what did he do now?” as the better memories were pushed further to the side.

It wasn’t always easy but there were real benefits to having Stewart in my life and, with his transition those memories came flooding back. How he’d try to replicate family favorite dishes I made only during the holidays because I’d refused to share the recipes because he was still “too new” in the family. Eventually, I did give in and gave him all the secrets one year as a gift. He was delighted and from what I understand, tried them at home as soon as possible.

My nephew, now in college, spoke incredibly well at his father’s funeral, something no young person should ever have to do. And while I know the day was filled with quasi-strangers telling him how great his dad was and how much he loved him, it occurred to me there were stories closer to home that he had never been told. And as a promise to his father, and as a thank you for bringing me back a sister I never thought I’d have, I plan to do just that, starting when Fletcher is home for Thanksgiving.

For a while Stewart led a charmed life and, for a while he didn’t. Addiction sucks and it is a disease unlike any other and it's time we stopped looking at those who are ill as criminals and rejects. There is not nearly enough help, especially not easily accessible or affordable help, available to those who are in need and that is something that really needs to change.

I don't know if he was clean and sober when he passed but I truly hope that he was. More than that, I hope he is at peace and that people will aim to remember the good times more than the rest. For a while I had a brother I really liked and I will always be grateful for the things he brought into my life.

RIP Stewart McDaniel

#addiction #addictionsucks #family #grief #funeral