As I write this, we are in the time of the full moon in Pisces and emotions are high... It's been a productive, yet extremely frustrating day and I find myself again skirting an emotion I can barely control.
I. Am. Angry...
Perhaps it's more accurate to say I am finally angry.
It's been almost nine months and I still think of him every single day, repeatedly asking the ceiling in my home office or bedroom why he left and why he did the things he did.
Alcoholic, they said. Having not seen him in three decades, I had no idea. And though I knew he drank both by his schedule and the prominent "beer belly," when we finally met face to face, it was his heart that received most of my focus. Knowing too well the stressors of his job, a heart attack is what I feared more than anything else, with complete organ failure never once entering my mind. Scanning his energy, his heart wasn't "clean" but it was strong and the energy I felt at the time, gave me no real cause for concern.
I know full well not to read for family or trust the energy/emotion cocktail we can experience from those with whom we have the strongest connections, and ours...? The Twin Flame connection is generally acknowledged as one of the strongest soul connections in the Universe. So there's that.
How many things could have been different had we'd known there would be only the one time for us to be face to face? How many more questions could have been asked and answered? How much more open might we have been, knowing this was our only opportunity to connect and learn from each other this way?
"I'll never leave you again" he said, just months before he died. And though I endlessly wish he would have chosen to stay here on the Earth plane, I know he is still with me.
"You can't say that." I replied. "Why not?"
"Because neither of us knows what's going to happen."
Why did I say that?? Could I have known a shift was coming? I get it, I'm a psychic and all but, remember that old saying, "physician, heal thyself."
Did I know he was going to leave? Not that I remember, though knowing the runner/chaser dynamic so common with Twin Flames, I was concerned the joy of finally being face to face would eventually devolve back into our previous pattern of overwhelm, frustration and silence.
As happy as he was to spend real time, communicating face to face and trying to understand all that had happened between us in the past, he made it clear he was fearful of understanding or using energy as a tool between us.
The first day we met, I'd asked him to take us to a place with mature trees because I know how amazing tree energy can be, and that it would (hopefully) help us both to stay more grounded. At one point during our walk around the beautiful park he chose, he looked at me, suddenly panic stricken by the intensity of our connection and the gravity of the situation. We hadn't seen each other since we were teenagers and now here we were, finally face to face after more than thirty years. All the emotion, all the things we wanted to say, and all the things we'd shared seemed to come flooding into his consciousness, as it if were finally real; as if I were finally real.
All our communication as adults, up until this day, had been via text, email or phone. This day, and after other attempts to meet through the years had failed, we were finally face to face, and for a minute I thought he might actually pass out. I shared with him how to diffuse the intensity of the energy. I showed him how to ground himself and release energy that was not his, or that did not serve his highest good, back to the ground and back to Mother Earth. It worked.
He felt better. I felt better, and for a moment I had hope that perhaps he'd be open to learning more.
He wasn't. He couldn't get past the fear. The thought of manipulating energy terrified him.
The great irony here is that he was a physicist. His job was literally figuring out how to manipulate energy on a daily basis but, but he was unable to connect to the concept, as something he himself could learn to do outside of the lab and away from his instruments. In the end it was all too much for him, and our communication faltered as I knew it would, as it had time and again over the past half dozen years.
When someone we love transitions to the next world, allowing ourselves to reach the point of anger can be difficult, to say the least. We love them, we want them back and it feels like sadness waits for us around every corner, to remind us they are gone.
And there is anger. Though so often, we're quite quick to push those feelings away, as if we are wrong to feel them. We can't be angry at our loved ones who've passed, that's insane! We only want to remember the good things, right? So when anger does come, it can be just as overwhelming as sadness.
In my work, I teach that grief comes in waves. Sometimes the waves are smaller, surprising us with moments of sadness, a memory brought to mind. And sometimes the waves can knock you down, drag you under and pull you along the rocks, before you're able to make your way back to the surface.
And so it went with this full moon in Pisces, as it's powerful energy, deeply rooted in asking us to forgive, came in like a tidal wave and scraped me across the rocks deep below the surface...
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?? HOW COULD YOU LEAVE YOUR FAMILY... YOUR CHILDREN... Me...
To intentionally destroy your body with alcohol (or drugs) raises an anger in me I cannot define. And yet there is immense compassion as well. Addiction is a disease that touches so many families. It has touched mine as well. And when you know, when you can understand the situation, there remains the possibility that you can do something, say something, or somehow stand in that gap. But, when a life is lost to an addiction hidden so well, the shock can be even more jarring.
What if I had known? Could I have made a difference some how? Likely not.
The second afternoon we were together, I asked about his health again, and listened as he spoke of counting the days until he retired. I knew full well his job was an endless stream of stress that had only gotten worse in recent years. His response to me; "any damage has already been done." And though one of his siblings described him as a raging alcoholic, they also shared that he had quit drinking the day he retired. It just wasn't soon enough. He was right, the damage had already been done and six weeks later he was gone.
So, there is anger, there is frustration and rage, all exacerbated by the powerful energy of this full moon. Thankfully, as that window closed, the anger subsided. No longer serving my highest good, much of it was released back to Mother Earth, because I know how to do that and the benefits it brings.
In the end, one of the things he said that day stays with me and gives me hope. "I can't promise we will be what we were but I can promise you that I won't disappear."
I hold on to that and each time a certain light blinks in my office, or my hands fill will energy, I am reminded he is near.