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Healing the shattered

Spiritual Awakening rarely happens gently. Unless you've been raised by spiritually awake people and have "woke" as long as you can remember, it's much more common for spiritual awakening to feel more like being hit in the head with a two by four. Something happens that completely shifts your perception of reality and you realize things will never be the same.

For me, it was when Michael died. Not only did he start connecting with me from the "other side," he also began manipulating things in my world as well. For one, he enhanced the communication between Twin (Him) and I so our connection deepened much faster than it would have, had it been allowed to develop more naturally. But Michael had an agenda, and needed me to wake up fast, so I'd be able to help him connect and share his message with his husband.

In all honesty, I loved this time in my life. It was new and exciting, interesting and dynamic and, I was hungry to learn anything I could get my hands on. It was one of the happiest times in my life, and then, in what felt like a mushroom cloud, it exploded, leaving shattered pieces of 'me' all over the ground. Feeling completely clueless on how to process the pain now residing in my heart, or how to begin healing it, I was the perfect target for the energy vampire.

For years afterwards, I wondered how he even knew to reach out to me at that particular moment, when I was just starting to heal from the trauma of my separation from Twin. And then it finally dawned on me, that because we were "friends" on Facebook, and in some of the same metaphysical type groups, he could see whenever I shared a post or asked a question in one of them. I had no idea he was even there, lurking in the groups, trolling for vulnerable targets. What a treat it must have been for him, to watch someone he already knew, reveal herself to be the perfect target.

Empaths like me can be ideal and easy prey for an energy vampire. Especially if you're already broken or overwhelmed, they can swoop in as a caring friend and earn trust more quickly than normal. Empaths can feel the connection to that person and the desire to lean into it can be very compelling.

Having no understanding of the real dynamic between empaths and energy vampires, I couldn't see that the whole relationship was one giant manipulation to feed his appetite for other people's energy. Energy vampires are a lot like drug addicts, always looking for that next score, that next high. Except, instead of cocaine or heroin, they feed off creating uncertainty and imbalance in the energy of others. The more uneasy they can make you feel, the easier you are to manipulate or control. And, the more you bend to their will, the bigger the high for them. I thought he was a friend; I had no idea what was going on until it was far too late. By then it was over and he too, had gone in an instant with no explanation or discussion.

I struggled to understand what happened and was left feeling even more shattered than I'd been before he came. The pieces of me seemed to be everywhere and nowhere at the same time and, it didn't even register to me that I was supposed to be picking them up. I continued to tumble back into the darkness I knew so well. I had no clue how to put myself back together. I knew I was falling into a much deeper despair than I'd ever before experienced. The depression was intense, and the self-recrimination was worse. I felt useless, and stupid for letting this happen, for letting someone get close to me again. I felt worthless, and clearly unwanted, as now two people I cared about, people I trusted, both chose to disappear without a word.

When you're down that deep in the darkness, it can feel impossible to remember the light, let alone muster the strength to reach for it. I was caught between the pull of the pain, the desire to give up and leave this life, and a distant rumble, saying that somehow, I needed to stay; especially for my boys. I did not want a choice I made to exit this lifetime, to become their story and derail them from their paths. For months, I teetered on the edge of two worlds until finally, I prayed for a lifeline. And when it arrived, I thought, "you have got to be kidding me." A person I hardly knew, who barely even knew I existed, and who sure as hell didn't believe in any of the things I held to be true. This was the lifeline? This was the person to help me??

I was doomed. We both were. Or maybe, just maybe.... we weren't.

photo credit: Jilbert Ebrahimi

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