Who am I?

May 24, 2020


If you've been following me at all, you likely know that the man who is my twin flame, recently passed to spirit. 
It was unexpected, very fast and left me, and his family, completely devastated.

 

This loss permeated every part of my being, as if grieving the loss of a life partner, yet both he and I knew that was not our path this time around.  It was almost comical, as much as there was a deep and enduring love between us, we both agreed that had we actually married, it most likely would have ended in divorce.  Better that we had married our be'shert (our meant to be) for this life time.

 

So, if the twin of your soul isn't the one you're meant to spend your life with, who is?
That's where soulmates come in, for me anyway .  While we have only one twin, there can be many soulmates. 
 

Both relationships can have a feeling of deep knowing or connection, as if you've known each other all your lives but, a twin relationship can send those levels through the roof.  Just like biological twins, twin flames can have a kind of telepathy, feeling each other's feelings and calling to each other on a soul level, circling their lives until they are able to connect through what often seems like a series of coincidences.  My twin and I met in junior high and were friends through high school, though we did not understand our connection at that time. 
Years later I learned the crush I'd had was mutual but, a four-year age difference can be a big deal in those years, so nothing ever developed. 

 

Reconnecting as adults, it was fascinating to see how our lives had followed similar geography, regarding where we lived or worked.  While I was living in LA, he was living in Pasadena. 
And, when I moved to Orlando, he had just moved to New Jersey for a job that took him to Orlando on a monthly basis, literally two miles from my home.  We came to find there were many synchronous events, often within a year of each other, one of us seeming

to follow the other, as our souls tried again and again to align us.  
Yet we never once knew the other was there.  Our humans were not ready.

 

Twin connections, like soulmates, help us learn and grow, and while we have only one twin, 
it's not uncommon to have more than one soulmate during a lifetime.  While both relationships can have that feeling of intense closeness twins generally take it to a whole other level, including seeing what the other is seeing (remote viewing) or feeling what the other is feeling.  Human (identical) twins occur when the egg in their mother's womb, splits into two.  And so it is with the soul when one chooses to incarnate on Earth.  The soul can split in half and the twins can incarnate together or one may choose to stay behind as a guardian or guide.  In either case, our twin is there to help us move forward on our path.  In human form, this relationship is often too intense to endure unless both twins are "woke" and aware of the situation.  Twins can work it out to be together, but it's not uncommon for them to be unsuccessful in a long-term relationship.

 

So it was for us as well.  He was not yet awake, and though he loved the depth of our connection, he grappled with fear as his science-based brain struggled to explain it. 
There were times when it was so easy, the perfect blending of two parts to the same whole.  While at other times, even when we were not communicating, the connection could be extremely challenging.  Oftentimes, one of us would open a door to the other and we'd have the most wonderful discussions and energetic connection and then, all too quickly it could be overwhelming and one of us would back away,  "Back away" being more of a euphemism for "blow up in some kind of large disagreement, leading to months of total silence, pain and frustration on both sides..." such is the nature of twins in human form.

 

And now he's gone, there will be no more deep discussions and while I'm sure there will be
a time for us to communicate again in some way, I'm no longer a person who has their Twin Flame with them on the earth plane. 

So, now what? 

 

I love Broadway musicals.  I know this seems like an odd segue but, bare with me for a minute.  

Last year, my husband and I went to see the show Come From Away.  It is an amazing production, and if you get the opportunity to see it, you should definitely go.  It's the story of what happened when more than 30 planes  landed in the tiny town of Gander, Nova Scotia, stranding more than six thousand people in the immediate aftermath of 9/11.  It is a deeply poignant and humorous look at who we are, and during one of the musical numbers, the actress sang, "Who am I, if I am not who I was yesterday?"

 

It hit me in the heart like a baseball bat and I struggled for a moment, just to catch my breath.  The show continued as I fumbled in my bag for the small journal that is always there, and in the dark of the theater, I scribbled those words on to the first blank page I found.

 

Who am I if I'm not who I was yesterday...?  Yesterday, he was alive, my twin flame was here on the earth plane and hope still existed there would be another opportunity for us to meet, face to face.  In the whole of our adult lives, after finally connecting and understanding who we were, after thirty years apart, to finally be able to meet face to face, and have the sum total of that time to be a mere six hours, seems like an unbelievable gyp.  At the same time, I am unbelievably grateful it happened at all. 

My heart still aches for this loss though at times I'm grateful the pain and frustration of our "real-life" relationship is over.  I know he is with me and I know we will build a new connection.  And as I continue to work through the process of grief, I ask myself that same question again and again - who am I now, if I'm not who I was yesterday...?

 

 

I guess I'm still working on the answer.

 

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When you come to the edge of all the light you know,

and you are about to step off into the darkness of the
unknown, faith is knowing one of two things will happen:

There will be something solid to stand on

or you will be taught how to fly...

- Barbara Winter

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