Spiral Into Darkness
He left! He just fucking left!! What is it with people?! I'd never experienced this kind of behavior before and now, TWO people had turned on a dime and walked out of my life, without a word. And, any effort to try and fix the situation was met with more silence or outright anger. What the fuck!? Because empaths have the ability to let people come so far inside of us, we feel emotions much more intensely. Empaths do not handle betrayal well at all and I could feel myself being pulled back into darkness. A blinding rage I hadn't felt since fighting with BofA, took over my heart and twisted my insides into knots. I had allowed this to happen! I brought it on myself!
I had trusted him and thought we were friends. But, because he came to me when I was already broken, I hadn't seen the hidden agenda. I couldn't understand his ulterior motives and I certainly didn't understand the higher purpose of our connection.
What I could understand though, was that something had shifted in me. Even from a place of such deep dark sadness and despair, I could feel it. There was more going on than just the voices in my head.
Looking back, I understand that the Vampire came into my life to stir the pot. He'd come to stir the soup of my soul and finish the awakening process that started with
Michael, and with Him; the twin flame. It was all part of the process...
Michael died and called on me to re-open the doors to my metaphysical abilities. Twin came and the voices returned. The knowing returned, but I still couldn't understand the information. And then He left, ripping my heart wide open in the process. Vampire came and helped heal my heart. But, then he left as well, ripping my heart open even wider than before.
How could I ever let anyone to get close to me again? How could I trust they wouldn't hurt me, or leave without a word? Questions swirled in my mind, mixing with the pain in my heart, as I questioned everything I thought I knew about myself. I was judge and jury and I judged myself HARD.
Maybe they left because I wasn't good enough... Twin is literally a genius, like off the charts... Maybe He left because I wasn't smart enough... Vampire is an extrovert. Did he leave because I wasn't extroverted enough...
In truth, I knew he left because I'd refused his advances and offer of an affair but, the darkness has a way of twisting what we know to be true so the questions continued...
Others had come in and out of my life, past boyfriends, girl friends, friend-friends...
Had they left because I wasn't enough somehow?
Clearly, I was not enough...
I am not enough...
This refrain is like Kudzu of the mind. Given a single place to land, it will take hold, blocking the light, choking out anything else and unfurling roots that can last for lifetimes.
It was all part of the process for my awakening. It had to happen; my dark night of the soul...
The pain in my heart, the confusion, despair and absolute belief that I could never be enough, for anyone, brought me to my knees, and back under my bed.
Thankfully, it was a teeny, tiny bit different this time. There was a voice in my head, so soft I could barely hear. It said, "We are here, trust us..." I didn't know who was talking to me, or if it was even real but the truth was, there was just no more fight left in me. The knot at the end of the rope had frayed and there was simply nothing more to hold on to. When you come to the very bottom of your own dark pit of hell, when you've run out of strength, and you're gasping for breath, you reach that moment of complete surrender and Just Let Go...
That is when The Universe really gets to work.
Information flooded my mind.
IT WAS ME! I WAS THE ONE WHO RAN! I WAS THE RUNNER! EVERY RELATIONSHIP THAT ENDED WAS BECAUSE I ENDED IT! Me..., who hates saying good-bye, who doesn't let people go easily... It was all me.
I HAVE BEEN RUNNING MY WHOLE LIFE...
There is was, the knockout punch my Guides had been waiting to deliver. The realization that, everything that had happened in my life up to that point, had happened because I created it.
We create our own reality by the choices we make and, I had created this. It was the bitterest of pills to swallow and it changed everything I thought I knew about myself.
I cried for days. Sometimes gentle tears but more often, openly sobbing big, ugly-cry tears.
I am a runner... I was so angry at myself! I felt betrayed, hurt and completely worthless. I felt empty.
I always thought of myself as a good person. I give to charity. I keep snacks and blankets in my car for the homeless. I've been an egg-donor, twice. I help where I can and I love making people feel better! But, the darkness is deception, echoing the same refrain... You are not enough...
When I could see through the tears, I wrote in my journal. I wrote and wrote and wrote, pouring all of myself out onto the pages. I wrote until there was nothing more to say. I was a runner. I'd been a runner all my life. Was it even possible to change directions now?
The choice was mine to make. Would I stay a runner or, could I fight the battles it would take to change?
I heard him, like a chorus of angels in my ear. "You can do it, I'll help you Mama."
And, for the first time in weeks, I felt like I could breathe.
Somehow, I had to survive this; I had to find some new level of being ok.
Once you identify the enemy though, you'd best be prepared to confront it.
I would fight my Runner Monster.
But, how do you fight something you don't really understand?