Every day, it seemed my connection to him was stronger. I could feel it when he woke up in the morning. I could feel it when he was in the car, on the way to work. It was like I could feel the motion or see the traffic. I felt pulled towards him often, and once even found myself in his body while he brushed his teeth in the morning. It was an incredibly strange sensation... watching yourself brush your teeth while the reflection staring back at you, isn't you. Yet there I was, looking at his reflection in the mirror, out of eyeballs that weren't mine, brushing his teeth in a white t-shirt and BVD's... In the next instant, I was back, seeing and feeling like myself and in my own body again.
I'd heard of the Astral Plane but, that was about it. The rest of this was way over my head. But, the pull between us was intense. I could feel it, like butterflies in my stomach, all the time. But most often, what I felt was this sense of pure love. I was still just getting to know this man. I thought we were building (or re-building) the friendship from our youth. At the same time, we seemed to be falling in love in a very real yet cosmically oriented way. It didn't make any sense! We were happily married, loved our spouses and had not been face to face in close to three decades. We were not in love or even more than friends, yet I knew to my soul that somehow, there was a deep and abiding love between us. And there was respect and trust. In the bubble we created I felt safe. A kind of security I had never felt before, as if my heart and my soul were finally safe. And for the first time since before our fight with Bank of America began, I felt genuinely happy.
One day, in the week before Christmas, for reasons I could not yet understand and wanted to resist with all my might, I felt compelled to tell him about my third pregnancy and my decision to not have the baby. I was terrified to share this information. What if he judged me, what if he hated me or turned away because of the choice I had made? But there I was, driven by voices I still barely knew, telling him I needed to share something very difficult and hoping he would understand. I had no idea how it was relevant or why, on this particular day, it seemed so urgent. But I could hear them, the voices in my head pressing me onward and it felt as if the words were literally being pulled from my tongue.
Again, in that moment, I was safe. He listened as he always had, expressed concern and sadness that I'd had to go through something so difficult, and assured me nothing had changed between us. Our friendship remained, the love remained. And even as we both struggled to understand it, our connection continued to grow. Despite our confusion about how I was I able to feel his feelings or know the things that I knew, we considered the love between us to be a gift, something neither of us had ever even heard of, let alone experienced. But, to be honest, there was part of me that wondered whether I was going crazy or not.
I don't often head to the mall, especially not at the holidays but, it had become a custom for me to grab a latte and spend a few hours alone on my birthday, wandering around and looking at the After-Christmas sales, the people and the decorations before they all went back into storage for the year. It was early evening when I got back to my car and, as I got situated to head for home, I suddenly stopped. I felt frozen in time as I sat there, feeling a strange weight, a heaviness suddenly lift up and out of my chest. I watched in stunned silence as a small pale grey cloud hovered in front of me, just above the steering wheel, and I knew it was the soul of my unborn child leaving my body. In my mind, that pregnancy ended, I felt it was behind me and life had gone on. But there I sat, dumbfounded as I watched the soul I thought had left me years before, lift out of my chest and face me. It was a boy.
I had never allowed myself to fully grieve this loss, and it would still be another year or so before I was able to do that, and still another before I would be ready to know his name or have the relationship with him I am blessed to have today. But, as I drove home, I felt both shaken and filled with love.
Maybe I really was going crazy... Clearly something was going on with me and I was going to need some help. I started looking for a professional; a "real" psychic. I had previously joined a couple of Facebook groups for empaths and other folks who were more metaphysically aware so, I had seen a few psychics and mediums advertised around. I reached out to a few and started asking some questions. One woman, it turned out, had attended elementary school with me but I didn't really feel any connection to her. Another woman, frankly, just scared the crap out of me!
I was familiar with the term Earth School and I understood we are souls, who incarnate here to learn and have a "human experience." But, this woman went on and on about how horrible it was here and how she couldn't believe her soul had chosen such a crappy life to experience and how she'd be perfectly happy to check out any time! I thought perhaps I should keep looking...
Finally, I came across a woman in NY, who already seemed to know a whole bunch of my friends. I grew up in the North American Federation of Temple Youth (NFTY), the national organization for Reform Jewish teens and youth groups. I had been to camps, weekend retreats and had friends all over the nation, and Vanessa seemed to know all the ones from New York! I knew she wasn't Jewish but, I learned she grew up in a Jewish neighborhood on Long Island and had grown up with all my friends! We set up a time to talk, to see if we would be a good match to work together. It was a 15-minute appointment that went on for almost an hour! She is an empath, a psychic, medium, intuitive and, a genuinely cool woman. I instantly felt like I was talking to an old friend. Unlike me, she had remained open all her life and was very comfortable with her skills and the magic of the Universe. She works full-time doing readings, helping and teaching others about all of the things I was so desperate to know. I felt an enormous sense of relief at having found someone who could help me understand what was happening and we set an appointment for a reading the following week.
There have always been men around me. Whether it was outright sexual harassment at school or genuine friendship, I learned to keep my guard up and choose carefully who to trust. As an adult, it seemed I was meant to mentor women, whether through my Mary Kay business or other things I've been involved with. But, I myself, seem destined to be mentored by men. So, when it was time for my appointment with Vanessa, I chose to focus on three who held major places in my life. "The Actor" who, for most of my life, had been one of my dearest, most trusted friends, my spouse and "Him."